My grief has settled deep into my body,
a 71kg weight between my sternum and my spine
filling up my chest cavity, making its home.
Who knew absence could be so heavy?
The weight of this grief-love grounds me;
there is strength in it somehow,
a kind of balance that I didn’t have before.
I have welcomed and embraced it–
this connection with the one I still love
and who is, unrelentingly, still dead.
I am not broken or fragile, but I am tired.
I carry on living and my Hope doesn’t fail,
but the unremitting demand on my resilience
brings a soul-deep weariness that never fades.
All the losses and “nevers” I feel now,
and the ones I realize afresh with each passing day,
I will carry in my body until it is my time to die.
This is my pain and my privilege.
September 25, 2021
Photo by Matthias Heil on Unsplash
