Tag: grief

The Weight of Grief

Poetry

The Weight of Grief

My grief has settled deep into my body,
a 71kg weight between my sternum and my spine
filling up my chest cavity, making its home.
Who knew absence could be so heavy?

The weight of this grief-love grounds me;
there is strength in it somehow,
a kind of balance that I didn’t have before. 
I have welcomed and embraced it–
this connection with the one I still love
and who is, unrelentingly, still dead.

I am not broken or fragile, but I am tired.
I carry on living and my Hope doesn’t fail,
but the unremitting demand on my resilience
brings a soul-deep weariness that never fades.

All the losses and “nevers” I feel now,
and the ones I realize afresh with each passing day,
I will carry in my body until it is my time to die.
This is my pain and my privilege.

September 25, 2021

Photo by Matthias Heil on Unsplash

I will wear my grief like a badge of honor

Poetry

I will wear my grief like a badge of honor

I will wear my grief like a badge of honor
   honored to love him
   honored to be loved by him 
“For what is grief,” they say,
   “if not love persevering?” 

I will wear my grief loudly, 
   proudly.
I will show the world it is not an evil 
   to be feared or avoided, 
But a journey to be embraced 
   in all its agonizing complexity. 

I will try my frail best 
   to hold hope and grief in both hands 
   as they balance and blend together. 

I will mourn relentlessly. 
I will live and love resolutely. 
And I will remember him always 
   as my grief-love shifts and flows
      down through the years 
         until we meet again

Mina S, July 29, 2021

Photo by Claire Kelly on Unsplash

a dream… or a nightmare – where is God on the path to healing?

Word Paintings

a dream… or a nightmare – where is God on the path to healing?

Her feet drag with every step, kicking up clouds of dust.  Something is dragging her backwards, backwards, away. But her feet force her forward; forward on this rugged path, laboriously forward to the unknown.

But her heavy steps slow and finally stop.

The narrowing path leads into the shadowy depths of a forest.  Skeletal trees leer at her, their white barren branches jutting as if frozen as if in mid-seizure.  Fear wraps cold, sliming tendrils round her heart.  Nausea sweeps through her gut.  Her body trembles. Her shoulders slump. Heavy, weary.  How long?  How far down this path must she go?  Where will it lead?

A solid, gentle presence at her side. A strong hand brushes across her shoulders and pulls her close. Protective.  Gentle. She leans into the embrace and his tenderness floods her being.  Fear’s tendrils ease their grip. “Don’t leave me,” she whispers, “just don’t leave me, okay?”

They step forward together onto the shadowy path, his arm tightening around her shoulders. It doesn’t matter anymore how long or how painful this path will be.  All that matters is that he is with her.  She can do it if he is with her.

The trees, the path, the arm around her shoulder melts like wax and turns to swirling darkness.

Three threads: one checkered black, one blood red, one earthy brown.  Seemingly separate yet bound tightly together. Brown callused hands tug gently but firmly at each thread, unraveling them, untangling their connections, tracing them back to the source.  Tender, insistent, but unhurried, his fingers work at the knots.

What’s left in his scarred palms seems like tangled mass, more frayed and ugly than before.  His hands melt away and in their wake there a hint of order and beauty—as if the threads have begun to be woven into a dove.

But it is just a flash, perhaps an illusion; a mirage melting away to nothing.

It stretches into nothingness all around her, a vast, dark ocean.  The blackness of the night blinds her, but she knows there is no land, no shelter, no escape.  She can feel the raw energy of the sea seething beneath her, around her, within her; from the depths, the raging tides cause the surface of the water to churn with unease. Dusky gray clouds roil the turbid skies and the wind holds its breath.

She is so small in this immensity; so powerless in the midst of such intensity. Lost. Alone. Overwhelmed. Drowning?  Why isn’t she drowning?  No boat, no land, water surging around her ankles. But wait… she realizes, wait… below her feet is something firm.  Something solid and deeper than even this ocean.  Something stronger than the raging tides. Something steady in the midst of this uncertainty.

The ocean tugs at her feet, rushing around her ankles, almost imperceptibly rising.  Peace seeps into her bare toes.  It spreads upward from the rock, engulfing her heart, warming her fingertips, relaxing her shoulders. Clouds roil in the turbid sky, the waters seethe, the wind holds its breath.

But not for long.  A storm is coming.

She spreads her feet wide, settling her weight onto this firm foundation—invisible, but so very present.

He didn’t leave her after all.

Prisoner of the Pit

Poetry

Prisoner of the Pit

Chained in a pit, deep and dark,
defined by existence in those depths.
Fingers raw and bleeding
trying to claw her way to freedom,
slumping at last in the miry bottom,
despair like lead settling in her veins.
Then suddenly the sun shines in
and bathes the prisoner in light,
scattering the simpering shadows,
bringing warmth and hope.
But the sun passes on
as all good things do;
the transitory warmth
never reaching the ice in her marrow.
And she’s left in the dark again,
at the bottom of the pit…
alone.
Photo credit: Stocksnap.io
Soul Rubbed Raw

Poetry

Soul Rubbed Raw

Soul rubbed raw
heart heavy with tears
lead in my veins
stalked by my fears

Wondering why
is my skin so frail
that every word pierces
like rusty old nails

Hiding in the dark
longing to be with
desperately needing freshness
yet feeling old, dry, stiff

Tears burn forth
limbs grow weak
heaviness prevails
loneliness still seeks

 

Nearly all of my posts end in hope, or at least have a thread of hope running through.  While communicating that hope is one of the goals I’ve had for this blog since it began,  I’m learning that fully inhabiting and expressing pain acknowledges that raw truth that there isn’t always visible hope.  An expression of pain doesn’t always end with a neat, happy resolution. Sometimes it just confesses the darkness and despair felt in that moment. 

This poem was written some time ago, but I share it to encourage you not to stifle your emotions or bottle up your feelings.  Deep, strong emotions don’t just go away.  Find a healthy way to express them that works for you, whether that’s poetry or some other form of creative writing, art, sculpture, music, dance or just talking to a friend. 

Be honest. Be raw. 

Rage if you need to.  Weep if you need to. 

It may not make everything better, but it will be a big step toward healing.  And it will be much healthier than trapping those toxic sentiments inside.

What have you learned about handling emotions in your own life?  What works for you?  What doesn’t work?
Elegy – To a Great Man

Music Poetry

Elegy – To a Great Man

One year ago today John Fox Peterson (better know to me as Grandpa) breathed his last just before the stars of the night faded into the reality and radiance of the dawn. He ran into the arms of his beloved Savior to the broken sounds of his family singing praises as their last goodbye. They praised and thanked God for the lives Grandpa had touched, the lives he had changed through the ministries he had been involved in, and through the very person that he was. I can almost hear the echoes of our God saying to him as he kneels before the throne, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

In that darkness before the dawn, silence and hoarse whispers were all that could be heard.  Until my soul found expression on the strings of my harp.  Sometimes language fails us.  Sometimes it is simply insufficient.  Sometimes a poem doesn’t need words.  Sometimes depth of expression isn’t profound or beautiful, I wouldn’t even call this music.  It’s just that: and expression.  It’s grief and loss, and pain.  Its that viscerally hollow, sick feeling in pit of your stomach. Yet in the bitterness of the moment and the years to come, there also hope that doesn’t disappoint.

There is comfort  in the dawn,
In the certainty of its coming
in the confidence that the sun
will burst forth
even after the darkest night,
in the hope that this is not
the end of the story,
that we will see each other again
one day in another,
more glorious sunrise.

el·e·gy
noun
1. a poem of serious reflection, typically a lament for the dead.
synonyms: lament, requiem, dirge