Tag: expression

a dream… or a nightmare – where is God on the path to healing?

Word Paintings

a dream… or a nightmare – where is God on the path to healing?

Her feet drag with every step, kicking up clouds of dust.  Something is dragging her backwards, backwards, away. But her feet force her forward; forward on this rugged path, laboriously forward to the unknown.

But her heavy steps slow and finally stop.

The narrowing path leads into the shadowy depths of a forest.  Skeletal trees leer at her, their white barren branches jutting as if frozen as if in mid-seizure.  Fear wraps cold, sliming tendrils round her heart.  Nausea sweeps through her gut.  Her body trembles. Her shoulders slump. Heavy, weary.  How long?  How far down this path must she go?  Where will it lead?

A solid, gentle presence at her side. A strong hand brushes across her shoulders and pulls her close. Protective.  Gentle. She leans into the embrace and his tenderness floods her being.  Fear’s tendrils ease their grip. “Don’t leave me,” she whispers, “just don’t leave me, okay?”

They step forward together onto the shadowy path, his arm tightening around her shoulders. It doesn’t matter anymore how long or how painful this path will be.  All that matters is that he is with her.  She can do it if he is with her.

The trees, the path, the arm around her shoulder melts like wax and turns to swirling darkness.

Three threads: one checkered black, one blood red, one earthy brown.  Seemingly separate yet bound tightly together. Brown callused hands tug gently but firmly at each thread, unraveling them, untangling their connections, tracing them back to the source.  Tender, insistent, but unhurried, his fingers work at the knots.

What’s left in his scarred palms seems like tangled mass, more frayed and ugly than before.  His hands melt away and in their wake there a hint of order and beauty—as if the threads have begun to be woven into a dove.

But it is just a flash, perhaps an illusion; a mirage melting away to nothing.

It stretches into nothingness all around her, a vast, dark ocean.  The blackness of the night blinds her, but she knows there is no land, no shelter, no escape.  She can feel the raw energy of the sea seething beneath her, around her, within her; from the depths, the raging tides cause the surface of the water to churn with unease. Dusky gray clouds roil the turbid skies and the wind holds its breath.

She is so small in this immensity; so powerless in the midst of such intensity. Lost. Alone. Overwhelmed. Drowning?  Why isn’t she drowning?  No boat, no land, water surging around her ankles. But wait… she realizes, wait… below her feet is something firm.  Something solid and deeper than even this ocean.  Something stronger than the raging tides. Something steady in the midst of this uncertainty.

The ocean tugs at her feet, rushing around her ankles, almost imperceptibly rising.  Peace seeps into her bare toes.  It spreads upward from the rock, engulfing her heart, warming her fingertips, relaxing her shoulders. Clouds roil in the turbid sky, the waters seethe, the wind holds its breath.

But not for long.  A storm is coming.

She spreads her feet wide, settling her weight onto this firm foundation—invisible, but so very present.

He didn’t leave her after all.

Piano Solo – “Remembering Thomas” by Timothy Brown

Music

Piano Solo – “Remembering Thomas” by Timothy Brown

When I was younger, my piano teacher knew that I was drawn to achingly sweet, expressive, melodic songs.  She found me this piece which became one of my all time favorite songs.  Sadly, when I recorded this song over 5 years ago, we only had time to do one take and I performed it rather poorly.  However, while I certainly didn’t do this exquisite piece justice, I think you’ll understand (in spite of the wrong notes, hesitation, and mistakes) why I love it so much.  There’s such longing in this melody, an sweet yet aching yearning for what was.  But there’s joy there too; joy in remembering, but even more, a passionate refusal to forget.

“Remembering Thomas” by Timothy Brown performed by Mina

Soul Rubbed Raw

Poetry

Soul Rubbed Raw

Soul rubbed raw
heart heavy with tears
lead in my veins
stalked by my fears

Wondering why
is my skin so frail
that every word pierces
like rusty old nails

Hiding in the dark
longing to be with
desperately needing freshness
yet feeling old, dry, stiff

Tears burn forth
limbs grow weak
heaviness prevails
loneliness still seeks

 

Nearly all of my posts end in hope, or at least have a thread of hope running through.  While communicating that hope is one of the goals I’ve had for this blog since it began,  I’m learning that fully inhabiting and expressing pain acknowledges that raw truth that there isn’t always visible hope.  An expression of pain doesn’t always end with a neat, happy resolution. Sometimes it just confesses the darkness and despair felt in that moment. 

This poem was written some time ago, but I share it to encourage you not to stifle your emotions or bottle up your feelings.  Deep, strong emotions don’t just go away.  Find a healthy way to express them that works for you, whether that’s poetry or some other form of creative writing, art, sculpture, music, dance or just talking to a friend. 

Be honest. Be raw. 

Rage if you need to.  Weep if you need to. 

It may not make everything better, but it will be a big step toward healing.  And it will be much healthier than trapping those toxic sentiments inside.

What have you learned about handling emotions in your own life?  What works for you?  What doesn’t work?