I will wear my grief like a badge of honor

Poetry

I will wear my grief like a badge of honor

I will wear my grief like a badge of honor
   honored to love him
   honored to be loved by him 
“For what is grief,” they say,
   “if not love persevering?” 

I will wear my grief loudly, 
   proudly.
I will show the world it is not an evil 
   to be feared or avoided, 
But a journey to be embraced 
   in all its agonizing complexity. 

I will try my frail best 
   to hold hope and grief in both hands 
   as they balance and blend together. 

I will mourn relentlessly. 
I will live and love resolutely. 
And I will remember him always 
   as my grief-love shifts and flows
      down through the years 
         until we meet again

Mina S, July 29, 2021

Photo by Claire Kelly on Unsplash

The Weight of Grief

Poetry

The Weight of Grief

My grief has settled deep into my body,
a 71kg weight between my sternum and my spine
filling up my chest cavity, making its home.
Who knew absence could be so heavy?

The weight of this grief-love grounds me;
there is strength in it somehow,
a kind of balance that I didn’t have before. 
I have welcomed and embraced it–
this connection with the one I still love
and who is, unrelentingly, still dead.

I am not broken or fragile, but I am tired.
I carry on living and my Hope doesn’t fail,
but the unremitting demand on my resilience
brings a soul-deep weariness that never fades.

All the losses and “nevers” I feel now,
and the ones I realize afresh with each passing day,
I will carry in my body until it is my time to die.
This is my pain and my privilege.

September 25, 2021

Photo by Matthias Heil on Unsplash

Maybe it’s the wind

Poetry

Maybe it’s the wind

Maybe it’s the wind,
alternately sighing and whipping around the house,
slamming doors and scattering the dry, fallen leaves,
tossing up the sheet music and sending it spiraling to the floor in disarray
Maybe it’s the thunder,
rumbling darkly and ominously in the distance
threatening a storm yet withholding the rain.
Maybe it’s the clouds
casting their gray pall over the city,
making night seem near and the day long done.
Maybe it’s the music,
no matter how cheery, echoing false in my ears,
like a platitude from an insincere friend.
Maybe it’s the exhaustion
weighing down my bones, seemingly undeserved,
something more, something deeper than mere tiredness of muscle.
Maybe it’s my heart,
heavy in my chest, sinking always in spite of all the smiles and laughter
weary of all that it carries, tired from the wringing and the dread.
Maybe it’s the thoughts,
all the “never agains” and the “last times” and the “maybes,”
all the leaving, the goodbyes, the changes,
all that will be left unsaid, unfinished, undone.
Maybe.
I don’t know.
But I’m not okay.

mottled with bruises

Poetry

mottled with bruises

heart heavy with sorrow
my body always weary
mind slow and numb
my very soul aches

“Come to me,” he says
“you who are weary 
and heavy laden 
and I will give you rest.”

but my limbs grow weak
at the very thought
I am tired, so tired
and I shrink away

why be lifted up
why reach for hope
only to fall all the harder 
in the end

it’s the fall that hurts
the discouragement
the loneliness
the shame

what kind of rest is this?

arms mottled with bruises
palms studded with stones
mouthful of dust
weary to the bone

I think I’ll just stay
it’s safer down here
crawling close to the ground
at least I can survive this year

I can do this
I can show this facade
I can even feel like it’s real
…for a while

numb
quiet
no highs no lows
no imposition
invisible

Liebster Award – 11 Questions, 11 Answers & 11 Random Facts

Uncategorized

Liebster Award – 11 Questions, 11 Answers & 11 Random Facts

I was nominated by Alisa Westerholm from On the Housetops for the Liebster Award! The Liebster Award is an award that bloggers give to other bloggers, and it helps us all spread the word about our blogs – and helps our readers to know more about us.  Check out Alisa’s blog and the other blogs linked below!

So now I have to answer the 11 questions Alisa asked:

1. Why did you start a blog?
I’ve actually started quite a few blogs over the years, but I started this blog because I wanted to get serious about writing and sharing my work. and to make a space for myself to be able to be creative and vulnerable.

2. What is your favorite song?
This is a really tough question since it changes on a regular basis. Last year I was obsessed with Boa Me by Fuse ODG ft. Ed Sheeran & Mugeez (I still am obsessed, to be honest). I’ve had the entire album by I AM THEY on repeat for months. I love Wherever I Go by Dan Bremnes. And lastly, as an Enneagram Type 1, Andrew Peterson’s Be Kind to Yourself has been such a balm to my heart.

3. Do you play an instrument? If so, what?
I get this question a lot, but it usually goes something like, “So, wait, how many instruments do you actually play?” I usually stutter around a bit and struggle to answer. But recently someone helpfully rephrased the question, “How many of the instruments that you play do you play publicly?” To answer that, I play the piano because I took lessons for 8-9 years when I was a kid. I play guitar because I needed to be able to lead worship when my dad was busy (but now I play it because I like it). I play fiddle because… we randomly bought one and my mom told me I was having a solo in our bluegrass “I’ll Fly Away” medley the following week (I may be exaggerating a bit, but not much). Nothing like a little pressure to make you teach yourself what you need to know (love you, mom). I play harp because, again, we randomly bought a harp and after getting the basics from a family friend, I just used what I knew from piano to go from there (then years down the road I find out from a real harp teacher how many things I do wrong…). I play mandolin a bit as well because it’s basically a cross between a fiddle and a guitar. But I don’t really feel like I have much mastery of any of these instruments. As the saying goes, “jack of all trades, master of none.”

4. Do you have any pets?
I don’t anymore because I live in a little apartment in Chiang Mai with my brother, but growing up on a farm, I had plenty. My personal pets were a top-hat chicken named Jack, a cat named Princess, a little runt sheep named Lambette that I raised by hand, and a goat named Carmelita that I bottle-fed.

5. Would you rather spend time inside or outside?
Depends on the day and where I am. These days in Thailand when it’s so blazingly hot, definitely inside in the air conditioning. But when it is cooler and the sun is shining, definitely outside. In Montana, I’d rather be outside no matter what the weather–snowy, rainy, sunshiny, or cloudy.

6. What is your dream job?
My dream job is to work cross-culturally to educate people about trauma and how meaningful arts can help in the healing process. I want to raise up a new generation of people that are trauma-informed, knowing how to be kind to themselves and one another when they are hurting. Most importantly, I want people to know how God meets them in their pain in raw and real ways, and how Scripture, arts, and body-centered therapies can heal wounded hearts.

7. What is your favorite verse?
I can’t pick a favorite, but this verse has been really meaningful for me lately:
Psalm 18:32-34
God arms me with strength,
    and he makes my way perfect.
He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
    enabling me to stand on mountain heights.
He trains my hands for battle;
    he strengthens my arm to draw a bronze bow.

8. What is the main message of your blog?
This is actually something that I’m rethinking right now. It’s been over a year since I last posted, and in the meantime, I’ve been processing a lot of experiences and challenges and doing a lot of inner work. This year, I’m coming back with some fresh perspectives and ideas of what this space is for and how I should use it. My About page is already changing (although by no means is it in its final stages), so keep an eye out for new content and some more posts on what’s been changing.

9. What is your favorite book?
Oooh, another tough one. It’ll have to be top five or something (in no particular order):

11. What are your hobbies?
Right now, swing dancing absolutely tops the list. It’s been the highlight of the past seven months or so. This blog is another hobby that has fallen by the wayside a bit (hopefully bringing it back now). I also really enjoy baking (when I have access to an oven and ingredients) and cooking in general. Then music, of course. Besides leading worship, I also really like performing with my family.

11 Random Facts About Myself

  1. As weird as writing 11 random facts about myself is, I do love lists. They order my life and give shape to my thinking. A brave step for me is NOT making a list of what I need to accomplish this week.
  2. I’m really bad at choosing favorites (you may have noticed my non-committal answers to the questions above).
  3. You know that meme that says something like, “My eating habits range from supermodel yoga enthusiast to unsupervised child in a candy store”? That sort of describes my life. It’s one extreme or the other (she types as she sips chocolate milk and munches on cookies from 7-11).
  4. It’s hard for me to complete things. It’s that perfectionism thing again. Even now, I’m on number four, and I don’t know how I’m going to get to 11 because I spent too much time on the first three.
  5. Growing up, my sister always had her hair up in a messy bun, so every memory of her, that is the mental picture I have. After moving to Thailand, and not being able to stand to have my hair down in the heat, I realized my little brother’s mental picture of me is probably the messy bun with the pencil or hair stick or sad, stretched-out hair tie.
  6. I’m allergic enough to cats that I’m punished for petting them by my eyes getting itchy and about twelve thousand violent sneezes. But I’m not allergic enough for it to stop me (most of the time)
  7. I’m really tempted to change the title of this section to “7 Random Facts about Myself.”
  8. I’m probably what some people would call a “granola” or something. I really like researching natural skin and hair care, healthy eating, and just holistic health in general.
  9. Probably mentioned elsewhere, but I have five brothers. One sister. Yes.
  10. Thanksgiving and Christmas aren’t Thanksgiving and Christmas to me without homemade eggnog.
  11. I probably shouldn’t write blog posts when it’s getting late because the random facts get very random.

And now according to the rules of the award, I’m supposed to nominate 11 other bloggers. The idea is to pick blogs that are new and/or don’t have a large following yet but I don’t have a huge pool of blogs that I follow to choose from so here are the five I could come up with.  However, the blogs listed below are ones that I have been really encouraged and challenged by. Definitely check them out if you have a chance!

Nominees: my questions for you:
1. When & why did you start your blog?
2. What kinds of foreign food do you enjoy?
3. What was a book or series that you’ve read recently that you really enjoyed?
4. What are your hobbies?
5. What is your Myers-Briggs personality type?
6. What’s the farthest you’ve ever been from home?
7. What’s your favorite song and/or artist?
8. If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be?
9. What’s your favorite color to wear?
10. Have you studied any other languages?
11. Have you heard of the Enneagram? Do you know your type?

Rules:
Acknowledge the blogger that gave it to you and display the award.
Answer 11 questions that the blogger gave you.
Give 11 random thoughts about yourself.
Nominate 11 other bloggers and notify them of their nominations.
Ask your nominees 11 questions.

a dream… or a nightmare – where is God on the path to healing?

Word Paintings

a dream… or a nightmare – where is God on the path to healing?

Her feet drag with every step, kicking up clouds of dust.  Something is dragging her backwards, backwards, away. But her feet force her forward; forward on this rugged path, laboriously forward to the unknown.

But her heavy steps slow and finally stop.

The narrowing path leads into the shadowy depths of a forest.  Skeletal trees leer at her, their white barren branches jutting as if frozen as if in mid-seizure.  Fear wraps cold, sliming tendrils round her heart.  Nausea sweeps through her gut.  Her body trembles. Her shoulders slump. Heavy, weary.  How long?  How far down this path must she go?  Where will it lead?

A solid, gentle presence at her side. A strong hand brushes across her shoulders and pulls her close. Protective.  Gentle. She leans into the embrace and his tenderness floods her being.  Fear’s tendrils ease their grip. “Don’t leave me,” she whispers, “just don’t leave me, okay?”

They step forward together onto the shadowy path, his arm tightening around her shoulders. It doesn’t matter anymore how long or how painful this path will be.  All that matters is that he is with her.  She can do it if he is with her.

The trees, the path, the arm around her shoulder melts like wax and turns to swirling darkness.

Three threads: one checkered black, one blood red, one earthy brown.  Seemingly separate yet bound tightly together. Brown callused hands tug gently but firmly at each thread, unraveling them, untangling their connections, tracing them back to the source.  Tender, insistent, but unhurried, his fingers work at the knots.

What’s left in his scarred palms seems like tangled mass, more frayed and ugly than before.  His hands melt away and in their wake there a hint of order and beauty—as if the threads have begun to be woven into a dove.

But it is just a flash, perhaps an illusion; a mirage melting away to nothing.

It stretches into nothingness all around her, a vast, dark ocean.  The blackness of the night blinds her, but she knows there is no land, no shelter, no escape.  She can feel the raw energy of the sea seething beneath her, around her, within her; from the depths, the raging tides cause the surface of the water to churn with unease. Dusky gray clouds roil the turbid skies and the wind holds its breath.

She is so small in this immensity; so powerless in the midst of such intensity. Lost. Alone. Overwhelmed. Drowning?  Why isn’t she drowning?  No boat, no land, water surging around her ankles. But wait… she realizes, wait… below her feet is something firm.  Something solid and deeper than even this ocean.  Something stronger than the raging tides. Something steady in the midst of this uncertainty.

The ocean tugs at her feet, rushing around her ankles, almost imperceptibly rising.  Peace seeps into her bare toes.  It spreads upward from the rock, engulfing her heart, warming her fingertips, relaxing her shoulders. Clouds roil in the turbid sky, the waters seethe, the wind holds its breath.

But not for long.  A storm is coming.

She spreads her feet wide, settling her weight onto this firm foundation—invisible, but so very present.

He didn’t leave her after all.

Manna Enough – Stop Living like an Orphan

Poetry

Manna Enough – Stop Living like an Orphan

Adopted, precious daughter
but an orphan in my mind;
stowing up my manna thinking,

“He won’t provide, he lied.”

My fear breeds maggots
like the manna that I hoard
scrapings for tomorrow
turn to rotting, stinking mold

My heart a barren wilderness,
a mirage of abandonment, stomach empty;
but it’s raining down bread!

There’s manna provided in plenty

If I open my eyes and look
He knows exactly what I need,
He will always be here

wanting the very best for me.

To the brink of starvation,
in the strongest of my cravings,
I’ll trust his Daddy heart

and remember I need His saving.

It’s enough for today, this moment
Manna enough to get me through
My Daily Bread, fresh each morning

ever faithful, ever true

Orphan, open your heart!
The deed’s been signed and sealed.
He’s never letting go,

just let your soul be healed.

Inspired by a sermon by Pastor Tim Dunham on Exodus 16:1-16 and John 6:26-35 as well as the meditation in this video by Caroline Williams.

 

Piano Solo – “The Harvest” by Tom Howard

Music

Piano Solo – “The Harvest” by Tom Howard

A piano solo I recorded in 2012 (in a one-shot take, mistakes and all). A personal favorite written by the incredible pianist and Christian composer, Tom Howard.

He told them, “The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field.”
-Luke 10:2 (NIV)

“The Harvest” by Tom Howard performed by Mina
Early Flight

Poetry

Early Flight

The morning holds its breath
in that darkness before the dawn
eyes sticky from my sleep
face pale, haggard, drawn
Desperately needing my coffee
the neighbors surely hate me
Grinding up the beans
(I’m a cowboy coffee drinker lately)
Last minute packing
it’s frenzy in my mind
surely I’ve forgotten something
I resign with a heavy sigh
Waiting for my ride
slowing down my breath
besides mosquitoes buzzing
only sounds of sleepiness
A hint of adventure
to places unknown
a flight too stinkin’ early
just to go to the same timezone!